Octopus Jokes
by Agent Silver
Summary: If you’re not an Otto Octavius fan, I suggest you ignore this fic. These are funny “Ottophile” jokes, read them at your own risk!
1. 001

This is kinda illegal, since this isn't in "story-form". But this'll give you a laugh:) I got the idea from Blue Collar TV, with Jeff Foxworthy and his funny Redneck jokes, so these are parodies of them. I'd want some advice too, if you could think of something!

A. Silver

Disclaimer: The word "Ottophile" was invented by a good friend of mine, The Trickster.I did not make it up. If you're not an Alfred Molina or Doctor Octopus fan,I suggest you ignore this fic. Spider-man & Doc Ock are property of Marvel comics!

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If you memorized Alfred Molina's phone number by heart, but you forgotten your own home address...you might be an Ottophile. 

If you paid extra on your license plate just to put in "Doc Ock"...you might be an Ottophile.

If you watched Spider-man 2 for the 6 hundred thousand ten zillion kabillion krillion times in your life...you might be an Ottophile.

If you had a looney tunes clock and you torn it apart to replace the looney tunes picture with a picture of Doc Ock's face in it...you might be an Ottophile.

If you were in a rock concert and you managed to get on stage and the only words you said was "I love Alfred Molina and Doctor Octopus!" guess what...you might be an Ottophile.

If you remembered the day Spider-man 2 came out worldwide in theatres but forgotten your mother's birthday...you might be an Ottophile.

If you had one chance to meet Alfred Molina and all the words you could say to him was "...", you might be an Ottophile.

If you collected all Spider-man comic books that contain Doctor Octopus in them...you might be an Ottophile.

If you made a fan movie with just your Spider-man toys and Doc Ock toys...you might be an Ottophile.

If you had a female cat named Rosie and a male dog named Otto and you tried to get them together...you might be an Ottophile.

If your room has nothing but Ock, Ock, and more Ock pictures and faces and merchandise...you might be an Ottophile.

If you wrote a book about Doctor Octopus and wanted to get it published...you might be an Ottophile.

If you spent your whole art class time in the pottery project trying to mold a ceramic version of the tentacles...you might be an Ottophile.

If you mentioned the words "swimsuit" and "sexy" and the name "Alfred Molina" in one sentence...you're an Ottophile.

If you mentioned that you like Alfred Molina in front of your friends (who like Usher and Nelly a lot)...you might be an Ottophile.

If you decided to make a miniature version of the fusion reactor as a science project...you might be an Ottophile.

If you memorized T.S. Eliot poems and you thought they were harder than advanced science...you might be an Ottophile.

If you fancy guys in tall brown trenchcoats...you might be an Ottophile.

If you fancy guys in red and blue tights...you might be a Spider-fan.

If you decided to live in a rat-infested pier out in the Hudson river...you might be an Ottophile.

If you said that science was your favorite subject next to poetry...you might be an Ottophile.

If you had the hots for a guy who said he thought Doc Ock was cool in the movie because he was scary when he spotted your picture of him in your math notebook...you might be an Ottophile.

If you, as a gay guy, thought that Alfred Molina did exceedingly well in the movie "Prick up your ears" and you thought he'd look better in Spider-man 2 if he was wearing a dress and mascara on...you might be an Ottophile.

If you thought Alfred Molina would look cuter in a suit...you might be an Ottophile, and even a Smith-addict.

If you tried to draw Otto in Goku's muscular body when then you thought he'd look sexier if he was fatter...you might be an Ottophile.

If you collect music that mentions "Rose", "Octopus", "Sun", "Suicide", and even "paranoia"...you might be an Ottophile.

If you hosted your very own comedy show and all the jokes you performed was these Ottophile jokes...you might be an Ottophile.

If you had a beefy, brown curly haired cute science teacher and you accidentally called him Otto...you might be an Ottophile.

If you decided to take over the world with a wrench...you might be a redneck.

If you tried to talk Sam Raimi into making Bakudon's "A New Dawn" into Spider-man 3...you might be an Ottophile.

If you made a Doctor Octopus movie alone like the way they did with "Catwoman" and "Elecktra"...you might be an Ottophile.

If someone says you are addicted to Doc Ock...you might be an Ottophile.

If you say "FCK YOU" for anyone who disagree your liking of the Spider-man 2 bad guy...you might be an Ottophile.

If you hate Harry Osborn...you might be an Ottophile.

If you think everything isn't fair with society talking and gossiping about stuff, making lies and fake photography...you might be an Ottophile.

If you saw "Law and Order SUV" on Tuesday May 2nd at 9/8 C just to see Alfie guest star, but turned out to act as a rapist in the episode...you might be an Ottophile.

If you call Alfred, "Alfie"...you might be an Ottophile.

If you call Alfred, "Fred"...you must be spending too much of your fanfiction writing time trying to research all Alfred Molina quotes.

If you try to mix chili powder in your hot chocolate...you might be an Ottophile (Chocolat!)

If you spotted the movie "Species" at Gamestop in the movie's section and begged your mother to pay 12 dollars for it when you were supposed to buy Dragonball Z Budokai III...you might be an Ottophile.

If you mix Sonic character art with Otto Octavius...you must be Gab the Panther.

If you invented the word "Ottophile"...you're an Ottophile.

If you seen Alfie play "Fiddler on the roof" on Broadway...you might be an Ottophile.

If you thought Alfred was cute when he was acting and screaming like he was scared in the beginning of Indiana Jones: Raiders of the lost Ark...you might be an Ottophile.

If you asked your wife her phone number...you're drunk.

If you, in your late teens or in your twenties, pretend that you have Otto as an imaginary friend at such a late age...you might be an Ottophile.

If you named your new puppy "Rosie" and found out that she was impossible to house-train and is nothing like Otto's wife...you might be an Ottophile.

If you spotted a Spider-man shoebox at JC Penny's and you took the shoes out and stole the box as a collection to your Spidey/Ock collection...you might be an Ottophile.

If you found a Dr. Pepper can back when SM2 came out in theatres and you saw Otto's picture on it, and you saved it as part as your Spidey/Ock collection...you might be an Ottophile.

If you spent a good $50 bucks on this book "celebrity black book" to find Alfred's address when just a few days after you paid money order did you find a fansite containing a way on how contact him...you might be an Ottophile.

If you actually lived in a world where Otto existed, and you attended one his college lectures of physics, and all you could do was stare at his face dreamily while you had no idea what h3 + h2o4 h5o4...you might be an Ottophile.

If you struggled most of your science units with a C until you've been getting an A on the Universe and the Sun...you might be an Ottophile.

If you hate SM2's screenplay writer for killing Otto...you might be an Ottophile.

If you listen to Metal Music...you might be an Ottophile.

If you're celebrating Alfie's birthday on May 24th, 2005...you might be an Ottophile.

If you think big, fat, brown-haired and eyed, science geeks are cute...you might be an Ottophile.

If you memorized every Doc Ock line from SM2...you might be an Ottophile.

If you're a fan of John Dykstra...you might be an Ottophile. (uh...the tentacles' real daddy?)

If you love Jazz music because you read Alfred's interview in the Hispanic magazine...you might be an Ottophile (he's a fan of Jazz music, people!).

If you read every Doc Ock fanfiction in this website...you might be an Ottophile.

If you told Stan Lee that Otto was "hot, and I give you thanks for creating him"...you must be out of your mind. (Just kiddin'!)

If you're going to dress up as Otto this Halloween...you might be an Ottophile. (I know I am! I had this hand-me-down Trenchcoat I had no idea where I got from, and then I got these plastic scrunchie things and I wrapped them around with aluminum foil...then I got a little bag or whatever that goes around the waist, and I wrapped those in aluminum foil too...I'm really am an Ottophile, am I?)

If you found a babyish Spider-man coloring book at Dollar Tree, and you found that they had those cute Doctor Octopus stickers inside them, and you had no money, so you sneakily took the stickers and stuck them on your hands and hid your hands on the pockets and ended up putting the stickers on your CD player...you might be an Ottophile.

If you printed out a picture of Otto or Alfred and taped it on your CD player or cell phone...you might be an Ottophile.

If you looked through your city phone book to try and find anyone with a name of "Otto" or "Octavius" or even Alfred Molina (if you live in LA, that is)...you might be an Ottophile.

If you made a Doc Ock keychain...you might be an Ottophile.

If you named your first son 'Otto'...you might be an Ottophile.

If you knew Alfie's going to be a grandfather soon...you might be an Ottophile.

If you're celebrating this year's anniversary of the day SM2 came out...you might be an Ottophile.

If you brought the Spider-man ultimate guide book...you might be an Ottophile.

If you read the 'Boy Genius' comics...you might be an Ottophile.

If you hate people who insults Rosie's or even Alfred's wife...you might be an Ottophile.

If you ever told Alfred Molina about this website and showed him some of the Ottofics...you might be an Ottophile.

If you showed Alfred this Ottophile fanfic...you've dugged up your own grave pal.

If you've created an Otto shrine...you might be an Ottophile.

If you played the Sims pc game and you made up a character named Otto Octavius...you might be an Ottophile.

If you were mumbling in your sleep the word "Otto is hot"...you might be an Ottophile.

If you included Otto in your homework...you might be an Ottophile.

If you wear a trenchcoat to school...you might be an Ottophile.

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I'll stop for now. Review! 


	2. 002

Hi again! I was in this hyper mood the other day (considering that I hate 2 bags of popcorn, 2 refills of a large Dr. Pepper, and I just came from the movie 'Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy...) I'm sure I remember getting a headache the next morning...and I've forgotten when I wrote this little chappy...

Read 'n' review plz!

A. Silver

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If you started a rock band called the "four Actuators"...you might be an Ottophile.

If you hoped that one of your fellow fangirls/boy in this website was Alfred Molina in disguise...you might be an Ottophile. (And I'll be watchin' for you too!)

If you draw Otto fanart...you might be an Ottophile.

If you're a crazy, hormones-raging teenager who everyone else in your world tells you to 'get a life' and you practically ignores them...you might be an Ottophile.

If you knew Otto loves Oreo cookies...you might be an Ottophile.

If you love Oreo cookies because of that fact...you might be an Ottophile.

If you think Alfred looked sexy in clean-shaven and with a rugged beard...you might be an Ottophile.

If you memorized "A red, red rose" by Robert Burns...you might be an Ottophile.

If you imagined, for every time you hear Chester Bennington (Linkin Park lead singer) sing, that it was Otto singing...you might be an Ottophile.

If you found a Spider-man novel called "The Octopus agenda"...you might be an Ottophile (and please, if you do, please tell me where I could buy it!)

If you named your computer "Harry", your TV "Larry", your worklamp "Moe", and your washing machine "Flo"...you might be an Ottophile.

If you have a bunch of goddamned Spider-man/Doc Ock stickers surrounding your computer monitor...you might be an Ottophile.

In Harry Potter, if you argue that Otto belonged to either Ravenclaw or Slytherin (I argue with my brother when he commented Gryffindor)...you might be an Ottophile. (Is he a rugged Ravenclaw...or a sexy Slytherin? You tell me!)

If you brought those Spider-man 2 valentine cards for Valentine's day and you kept them for yourself because you love yourself...you might be an Ottophile.

If your cheerleader friends say you're too addicted to Ock...you might be an Ottophile.

If your medical doctor diagnosed you to Ottomosis...you might be an Ottophile.

If you have Ock-tivities when your dentist diagnosed the fact to you...you might be an Ottophile.

If you try to slash manga and Spider-man together...you might be an Ottophile.

If you collect sea animal and machine and scientific-like Yu-Gi-oh cards...you might be an Ottophile.

If you think Jean Reno is cute...you might be an Ottophile.

If you sleep with a Doctor Octopus doll...you might be an Ottophile.

If you dream that you and Otto were sleeping in the same bed...you might be an Ottophile.

If you blush at that thought...you might be an Ottophile.

If you print out and collect Boy Genius fancomics, trying to create a homemade graphic novel...you might be an Ottophile.

If you brought the Spider-man 2 soundtrack...you might be an Ottophile.

If you brought the Spider-man 2 novelization...you might be an Ottophile.

If you brought the SM2 comic adaptation...you might be an Ottophile.

If you owned a Scrapbook containing tons and tons of Doc Ock pictures so when you're really, really old or in your dying day, you could have Otto as your last thought...you might be an Ottophile.

If you married a big, bulky, cute, science geek...you might be an Ottophile.

If you pretended that your boy friend was Otto...you might be an Ottophile.

If you write poetry...you might be an Ottophile.

If you have a Spider-man alarm clock and you tried to tape in a small picture of Otto...you might be an Ottophile.

Things Otto wouldn't normally say:

"I want Ketchup with no fries please!"

"I like cheese."

"Quit it! I'm trying to dig my nose!"

"George W. is my homie!"

"Yo dawgs!"

"I love you Peter!"

"I'm too sexy for my shirt!"

"Poetry sucks. I'm just doing it to impress a woman."

"Hello girls! Let's par-tay!"

"I'd rather have Turkish delight."

"Oooooorrrrrrreeeeeeooooossssss!"

"Stupidity is not a crime...you are free to go!"

"It is all about me...deal with it."

"Uh, excuse me? I'm not listening."

(girly squeal)

"DOCTOR PEPPER!"

"Hey! Who wants a picture of Pete in his underwear!"

"Hey, Peter...boxers or briefs?"

"I llliiikkkeeee eggssssssss..."

(Singing) "It's getting hot in here! So take off all your clothes! I am soooo so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off!"

"I wish I wore the blue and red spandex..."

(Playing army toy soldiers) "Boom! Boom! Bang! I'm saving you Private Ryan! Hold on! Boom, boom...bang!"

"Well, yo mama so stupid, she put a quarter in a pinball machine and waited for the gumballs to come out."

"Well? Well? Did I look hot in that movie or what?"

"I loooovvvveeeee mmmeeeeeee!"

"Just ten more minutes mama..."

"Wingardium...leviosa! Wait, damn. I forgot my bloody wand!"

"Go Blue eyes white dragon! Destroy Peter's Dark magician!"

"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family!"

"Say, forget the world, let's take over the universe!"

"KA-ME-HA-ME-HAAAAA!"

"hmm...I'll use my super muscle power! Huuh!"

"Can I sleep with you for tonight? My Pier's kinda rusty."

"I love Alfred Molina...he's my best friend."

"Mister...Molina. We've...missed you." (imitating Agent Smith)

"Mirror, mirror on my wall, who's the sexiest of them all?"(Psst. It is Peter.)"What? Damn!"

(singing) "I believe in Miracles! 'Till you came along, you sexy thang! (sexy thing you...)"

"I'd like to be, under the sea, in an Octopus's garden in the shade..."

"Curtis...you got to help me...I...got...served!"

"Hey Curter, hey Petis, what's up?"

"As the movie! Ock, I am the sexiest of them all!"

"As the Ramos! Ock...I am the most gothic of them all."

"Uh...how about no?"

"B.Y.O.B.!" (bring your own bombs)

(swims out from Hudson river) "Woooo! I wanna do that again!"

"SHREK! I LOVE SHREK!"

"NO, I LOVE SPONGEBOB MORE!"

"Talk to the hand, bub."

"Shit. Austin Powers got his groove on!"

"1...2...Otto's comin' for you..."

"Let's go! Let's go! L-E-T-S G-O!"

"I'm so stupid, that a caveman seems like Einstein compared to me."

"Uh, surf's up dude!"

"Whoa. Like, totally dude!"

"Damn! Rosie's like, hot!"

"Shit, Peter, that is a pretty hot girlfriend of yours! When are you moving to the bedroom stage?"

"Watch me do the macarena!"

(singing) "I fell asleep while watchin' Spike TV, after ten cups of coffee and you're still not here! Dreamin' up a song when somethin' went wrong, after ten cups of coffee and you're still not here! Left me here alone, when I should've stayed home after ten cups of coffee I'm thinkin'! Nobody likes you, everyone left you, all out without you, havin' fun!"

"Give me my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs!"

(Imitating Crocodile hunter) "Crikey! This lil' feisty one is the ol' homo-sapien spider, and thank God there's only of them in this world! And, god, this fierce lizard is the...lizard! See how its form is so humanoid, right? Let's see their interactions!"

"I like chocolate milk!"

"I like potatoes."

"Aliens!"

"Use the force Luke! The force!"

"Go Pikachu!"

"Go Lakers!"

"Are you gonna eat that?"

"Get a life."

(reading How to make mechanical arms for Dummies)

"Domo arigoto Mr. Roboto!"

"Lifestyles of the rich and famous!"

(singing) "Its fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.!"

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lol


	3. 003

Not an Ottophile chapter...! I...cannot...think right now! Though, this idea just escaped way outta my head...don't hit me!

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Otto and Ock answers my everyday stupid questions:

**Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?**

**Otto**: It is trying to achieve its goals to help humanity…or else, _chicken-manity_, if you get my drift.

**Ock**: That chicken is trying to kill its medical doctors! Kill! See, I'm not the only one with 4 evil mechanical arms! Ha ha!

Other people's answers:

**Spider-man**: I think because the chicken robbed the bank.

**Kingpin**: Obviously, the chicken works for me! So, its none of your business.

**Uncle Ben**: Because it was the chicken's responsibility to cross the road.

**My evil teacher**: I think it was trying to go to chicken school.

**Norman Osborn**: Why are you telling me this? I got a city to destroy!

**Harry Osborn**: The chicken is out for revenge, dammit! Get out of its way!

**Lizard:** Mmn…chicken…

**Q. Boxers or Briefs?**

**Otto**: Perhaps the question is: boxers _and _briefs?

**Ock**: How do you know I'm not wearing anything, he he!

Other people's answers:

**Mary Jane**: I'm wearing a thong, goddammit!

**Peter:** I have...tighty whities? Well, that explains everything.

**Harry:** Hmm...I'm wearing something, but its... neither!

**Q. It was a rainy day weekend. What do you do?**

**Otto**: Hmm. I dunno. Either working on the fusion reactor or snuggle with my wife. He he.

**Ock**: I hate rain! This bloody pier makes everything worst!

Other people's answers:

**Peter**: It's raining again? Crap. I got those pizza deliveries to do!

**Spider-man:** I'd wear my Spider-man swim-suit? I mean, they have like a bunch of them in dollar stores! And, not to mention, Spider-man umbrellas!

**Norman:** Who cares? I got all the money in the world! I'd watch my big screen TV—only that SM1 didn't show that I have a big screen TV.

**Q. You saw someone drop their wallet. What do you do?**

**Otto:** Personally, I'd give it back. Who knows who dropped it? Could be Alfred Molina. (shudders)

**Ock**: Heh. Just some extra cash for my fusion reactor!

Other people's answers:

**Me**: Ooh yeah! A credit card! Now to ebay and waste to guy's cash! (evil laughter)

**Peter**: Sigh. Is that too hard of a question? Me, drowned in guilt, too much of a goody-goody, having a superhero alternate (blah blah)

**Norman**: (hides it in pocket) You saw nothing!

**Jameson:** What the Hell? That was _my_ wallet! That pickpocket thief (probably Spider-man) dropped it!

**Q. You just won a million dollars! What will you spend it on?**

**Otto**: Hmm...maybe on a new science experiment. Or a cure for cancer. Lately that's been everybody's problem.

**Ock:** I will...I will...at least try to find a very expert chiropactor, these arms are quite a bitch!

Other people:

**Osama Bin Laden:** Muhahahaha! I will buy nuclear weapons to destroy the world! Beat that, Hitler!

**Peter**: I will buy more land for more prisons, so these bloody criminals would be caught! Maybe the world will be better if police men recieve spider-powers...? Nah.

**Mary-Jane**: Oh, the usual, shoes, music, clothes..."how to divorce a spider"...

**Q.What the Hell? How did Osama Bin Laden answer my question!**

**Otto**:...beats me, and I'm a fusion scientist!

**Ock**: Uh...maybe I'll ask God. He'll answer it.

Other people's answers:

**Peter**: Who is Osama Bin Laden?

**Harry**: Guh. I'm stupid.

**Q. Peter, you a very retarded superhero.**

**Otto**: Hey, be nice now.

**Ock**: But that's my line!

**Q. Uh...okay. 1 plus 1 is...**

**Otto**: Two! Duh!

**Ock:** I'm not going to answer that.

other people's answers:

**Peter:** ZZzzzzzzz huh? what was the question again?

**Harry**: Okay, one plus one is...five. No, four. No, six. No, one hundred. Damn! I should have never skipped those kindergarden classes!

**Q. If you met your fangirl, what would you do?**

**Otto:** I have a fangirl? Sweet! Hopefully Rosie wouldn't find out...

**Ock:** Eeeep! Run for the bomb shelter!

other people:

**Harry:** Maybe my charm will repel them.

**Peter:** Maybe I'll buy her candy, see if that'll distact her...

**Q. Fruits or vegetables?**

**Otto:** Chips and soda. Wait, that wasn't a choice...

**Ock**: anything!

other people:

**Peter**: both, seeing that my alternate actor life is a vegetarian.

**Q. Why is the sky blue?**

**Otto:** uhhhhhhhhhhh

**Ock:** Because it'll soon be orange by the time I'm through with this machine!

**Q. The world is ending. What will you do?**

**Otto:** I will hug Rosie and tell her how much I love her and all that stuff then I'll screw her and buy beer then I'll whine how I didn't save humanity then I'll screw Rosie again and I'll buy more beer and I'll murder Harry and I'll push Peter off the building then grow fat from eating all those oreo cookies...so much to do, so little time.

**Ock**: ...I'll tell the world that I'm still...sober! Then, maybe I'll audition for American idol, he he.

other people:

**Peter**: Damn Otto, I didn't know we have so much in common! I'd do all that too, except I'll replace Rosie with MJ and maybe I'll push _you_ off the building, see how you like that.

**Alfred Molina:** WTF am I doing here! (look in pocket) Hey, who stole my wallet!

**Me**: He he!

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W00t so many randomness! Must...have...Doctor Pepper! More stupid questions, coming soon! 


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